Thoughts – Page 2 – A Kinda Pretty Mess

Poetry

Spoken Word – The Right Love

Posted on September 3, 2018 by Chantelle Mathewson

When Summer rolls into Autumn and September

allows the leaves to fall from their branches

I come alive as if

something in my bones was sleeping for a season only to be tapped on the shoulder

and gently shaken back to reality.

My joints stiff, my muscles weakened, my heart beats faster

the chilly, crisp air breathing a new life into me

and I can’t imagine a world in which I did not love this season

yet there are people crawling into the shadows as I am waking up,

people who get their energy from the intense heat of Summer

or the snowflakes falling onto their skin in the Winter

or the muddy puddles that come with Spring.

I will never love Summer the way I love Autumn

or snow the way I love pumpkins

and maybe that explains why you will never love me

the way you love her.

As beautiful as my leaves may be,

they can never be snowflakes.

My skin will never be her skin,

I will never sound, feel, or smell the way she does,

I will always lack something that you need,

and I am trying to come to terms with that.

I would never force someone to love my favorite season

So why would I force you to love me,

when even if it worked,

you’d never love me the way I want to be loved –

completely, fully, like when you look at me

your world suddenly makes sense.

If she is what you need,

I am learning to accept that as beautiful as I am,

I will never be her.

I have to be okay with that.

-CM

Poetry, Videos

Trying Something New!

Posted on August 30, 2018August 30, 2018 by Chantelle Mathewson

What Depression Feels Like – A Poem

Today, as I explain briefly in the video, I thought I would try something new for me. I’ve always liked the idea of reciting my poems rather than just typing them out for you all to read. I thought I would start off here. I didn’t have this poem memorized, so I am reading it off the screen, which explains why my eyes are moving so much. And the camera quality isn’t great. But those things aside, I hope you enjoy this, and let me know which you prefer!

I love spoken word poetry, and most of my poems are written with the intent of being read out loud. If you all like this, I would be interested in playing around with better camera quality and lighting, and reciting poems that I do have memorized, in a bit of a more practiced, and not so relaxed setting. Let me know what you think!

I’ll also leave the poem below in case you would rather read it.

The first time somebody asked me what depression feels like

My tongue ballooned inside my mouth

They asked me

“Are you just…sad all of the time?”

And I nodded

Instead of screaming No!

If I was merely sad all of the time

Why would my face twist into this upside down frown

Why would I tell you I am

Fine when you ask me how I’ve been lately

If I was merely just sad all of the time why

Would I push them all away

The hands that reach out to help me

Why would I touch their fingertips for a brief moment

Before closing my eyes and forgetting how good it feels to be needed.

I don’t blame you.

You unknowing examiner simply curious

What does depression feel like

I lived in the same house for most of my childhood

I could tell you where each coffee table and arm rest sat

I could trace for you a map of each safe walkway from door to door

But when the lights are shut off and the darkness swallows

I stumble into corners

I know that if I turn right now I will find a lightswitch on that wall

But I turn a second too soon and my hand finds a jagged edge

Of a picture frame inside of the light switch

This is what depression feels like

I have lived inside this body my whole life

But sometimes

When the lights go dim

I can’t seem to find the light switch.

-CM

Letters to..., Poetry, Thoughts and Opinions

A Letter to my Super Hero

Posted on August 29, 2018August 29, 2018 by Chantelle Mathewson

Superheroes fight battle after battle alone, backs against the wall, with no one to help, just as you have. You have fought for so long, your strength is undeniable, you can win this fight alone, but you don’t have to. Magical powers or extreme strength may win you a battle, but they won’t win the war. Marvel movies are a prime example of this theory in action; iron man has his suit, Thor has his hammer, Black Widow has Hawkeye…every superhero needs their secret weapon. At the peak of the war, when it seems all has been lost, every soldier is lying bleeding on the field, little hope is left trickling within your veins, the hulk smashes through the trees. Captain America’s shield flies through the sky, and suddenly, you’re calm. All has been saved. Your backup plan, your second line of defense when what you have to give just isn’t enough. Your last resounding yell as you charge one last time into battle. You are never alone. Yes, there may be moments when you feel utterly and completely alone. The whole world may feel against you but when shit really hits the fan, you feel an arm wrap around your shoulder. It’s in this moment that you remember, you were never truly in this by yourself. So when your battle comes, when you are fighting whatever war you have been dealt, I want you to look around. I want you to give it all that you have, and when you’ve done that, when you can’t give anymore, I want you to let go. Let go and trust that my arm is going to be there. I would never let you fall. You might get beat up and bruised, I can’t stop every knife slash from bringing a little blood, but the scars are what make you stronger. Even if I could keep you safe from all harm, I wouldn’t, but I would never let you lose the fight. With my last breath, I would save yours. When my whole world is on fire, I would use the last bucket of water I have to extinguish the flames that keep you captive. That is what your sidekick is for. You are the super hero of this story, and I am merely here to keep you alive to win the war.

Thoughts and Opinions

Who I am Today

Posted on August 28, 2018August 28, 2018 by Chantelle Mathewson

I am not the same person I was five years ago. I am not the same person I was a year ago even, or honestly, a month ago. I hope that you aren’t either.

Every day, I learn something new. I am constantly evolving and changing. Sometimes, these changes aren’t for the better. Some days, I look into the mirror and I don’t like what I see. But tomorrow, I have the power to change that. In the next minute, I have the power to change. That is the beauty of this journey that we call life. We don’t have to remain the same person every second, every day, every year – we can shift and evolve as many times as we like. This is something I didn’t fully understand until this past year.

Throughout High School, as many do, I was struggling to find who I was. For a majority of the four years I spent there, I was very unhappy. Not because of the school or the people, but because I felt like I needed to know who I was, who I wanted to be, and I had no idea who either of those people were.

Now, having graduated High School three years ago, having gone to college for almost three years and hating it, and now working as a waitress with no real idea of what career I want to end up in, my first reaction having become this girl was shame. A little less than a year ago, when I admitted to myself that college wasn’t working for me, I was angry. I was mad at myself, because I was supposed to be the girl who had it all figured out. I did very well in High School, my grades were always high. My grades were great in college too, but I was a different person than the girl who had first enrolled.

I’m not angry at that girl anymore. I’m not angry at myself anymore. I was finally able to accept that I am shifting every day, and that being angry with that doesn’t make much sense.

Five years ago, I was a teenager struggling with her identity, shy and extremely introverted. Three years ago I was finally truly happy with where I was and who I was for the first time that I could remember. Last year, I was a very sad girl again and I thought for a while that I was never going to be happy again. Yesterday, I was empowered, strong, I felt on top of the world. Today, I am missing someone, this morning I was pretty scared for the safety of someone I love, and I didn’t feel all that strong. Tomorrow, who knows who I’ll be. But that’s just it.

I can be whoever I want to be. Happy, sad, strong, excited. Vegan, fitness oriented, lazy, relaxed. Whoever and whatever I want to be – I can be it today. And tomorrow I can be the same girl or someone else entirely.

It’s totally up to me. As far as we know for certain, we only get this one life. There is a real beauty in that I wish more people would see. Why stay the same when there are so many beautiful things to be?

Thoughts and Opinions

Letting Go vs. Forgetting

Posted on August 17, 2018August 17, 2018 by Chantelle Mathewson

I would like to be able to say that I don’t have room in my life for hatred, for bad feelings towards people. I am working toward that reality, but currently, I’m not in that place. I have forgiven, but I haven’t forgotten.

However every person that has touched my life, touched it for a reason. Who knows where I would be today if certain things hadn’t happened, if I hadn’t met certain people. For that, I thank even the bullies and the family members that chose not to be a part of my life. I thank the friends who abandoned me in my times of need. I thank them all, because I am in love with the person I am now, and who knows if I would be her had I not been forced to grow strong with these forces pushing against me.

Even then, I still harbor resentment. I know it’s unhealthy, as an alcoholic knows the drink is bad but keeps drinking anyway. I know to truly move on, I have to at least let it go. Maybe not forget it completely, but let it all be in the past. I am not there yet, but I am here –

There is not a single person who has touched my life, that if they came to me asking for help, I would turn them away. Life is too short to watch others struggle and simply stand by with the compass in your pocket.

I understand that there are exceptions to this rule; there are people who have done things that should never be forgiven, and perhaps don’t deserve the help that you have to offer. Maybe they can accept the help from someone else, but it’s not your place.

To summarize a long story and make it rather short – I am learning to let go of the past. It’s healthy. Learn from it, remember the lesson, but let the pain go. This journey is too short to continue blaming others for our pain. Help people when you can. Offer a hand when you can. We’re all going to arrive at the same destination, we’re just taking different paths. We’re all human.

Act like it.

Poetry

Earth Shattering

Posted on August 15, 2018August 15, 2018 by Chantelle Mathewson

When I was a little girl my biggest dreams were of wedding dresses

and a prince on a big white horse

Like in the movies I would ride away

Perhaps into the sun or into the night

and I would live my happily ever after –

This is not to say that happily ever after does not exist –

this is to say that the fairy tales are a lie

and the little girl still somewhere inside of me

has excepted it.

She still loves sappy TV and romantic comedies

A prince coming to save her is still at the heart of her every dream

But the woman realizes that after the prince comes to save the princess

the princess realizes she doesn’t need saving.

This is not to say that she does not need a prince.

She needs her prince – with or without a crown –

to kiss her forehead

hold her hand

reassure her that everything will be

just fine.

She needs her prince to tell her that he loves her

on her darkest days

when she struggles to love herself but to also tell her to always

love herself.

The fairy tales are a lie

but the reality is beautiful

and worth waiting for.

The reality is saving yourself

and still riding away with your prince.

– Chan Eliza

Poetry

I Know

Posted on August 3, 2018August 3, 2018 by Chantelle Mathewson

I know you unlike anyone

I know the gleam in your eyes when you are happy and

the tilt of your head just slightly when you are sad.

I know the way you like your coffee in the morning

way too much sugar and just the right amount of

wake up.

I know your laugh and how

it changes when you are with different people.

My heart knows your heart.

We are like old friends that only just met

years ago or maybe centuries

I know when you are hurting.

I know when you need a hug or

ten shots of something too strong

I know you feel like giving up.

The weight of the world feels too heavy on your shoulders

And you feel alone but

I know that you are not.

I do not know all of the answers.

I don’t know the future, I’m not even sure of the present

I have never been good at adding or subtracting

but I know that I would do anything

to keep you from drowning.

I know that if you were too jump

I would be at the bottom to catch you.

This is messy

We are messy

The world is messy

But I know my world isn’t my world without you in it.

-Chan Eliza

Thoughts and Opinions

21 Lessons Learned in 21 Years

Posted on August 2, 2018August 2, 2018 by Chantelle Mathewson

(in no particular order)

1.) Forgive people. Life is too short to hold onto the past, no matter how hard it hurts to let go of situations that hurt you. Just forgive. You’re only hurting yourself by holding on.

2.) Soft blankets straight out of the dryer and a cup of hot chocolate make any cold winter day magical.

3.) Having a ton of friends is great, but don’t forget about the one person that’s stuck by you through it all. They were there when it started and they will be there when it ends. Don’t let that get lost. Best friends are hard to find.

4.) Communicate with people. No matter who it is, a boyfriend, a parent, a sibling, a friend, a boss, a stranger – people are just people and you aren’t going to get what you want by staying silent. Your opinion won’t be heard that way either.

5.) Be spontaneous. It’s good to have rules and to live within them, but every once and a while it’s okay to draw outside of the lines. As far as we know, you only get this one life.

6.) Work hard. You aren’t going to get what you want by sitting on your bum all day.

7.) It’s okay to ask for help. If you know you are doing everything in your power but you still need assistance, there is no shame in that.

8.) The world can be a terrible place, but most people are good. This has been true everywhere I have gone from Hawaii, to New Orleans, to Vermont – from cities to the country. Most people are good.

9.) It’s okay to not have it all figured out right now, no matter where right now is for you. There is no deadline for anything. Find what makes you happy, find it, and chase it.

10.) Crying is good. There is nothing quite like the feeling of being incredibly sad for hours or days or weeks, and then that sudden feeling of calm that you get after you have a nice sob. It’s okay to cry. Life can be tough.

11.) Tip your waitress. I don’t care how horrible the service was, just do it.

12.) No matter how alone you feel, you are never alone. Someone out there somewhere cares about you, even if you can’t see it.

13.) A bubble bath, a drink, and a nice book can fix any long day.

14.) If you want something, go for it. The worst that’s going to happen is failure, and a good amount of failure never hurt anyone. Get back up and try again.

15.) Always be positive.

16.) It’s okay to miss people. It’s normal, healthy even.

17.) Exercise. It’s good for you and it’ll make you feel good.

18.) No matter what society says, you are beautiful the way you are. Don’t listen to what other people say. If you are happy with you, that is all that matters.

19.) Relationships are hard. They aren’t all butterflies and rainbows, they are hard. But they are worth it. When you find the right one, you’ll know, and it will be worth it.

20.) Don’t take your family for granted. When you have no one and nothing, they are the only people you can count on.

21.) Do what makes you happy. Nothing else matters.

– Share and Comment friends –

Letters to...

Dear …

Posted on August 1, 2018August 1, 2018 by Chantelle Mathewson

When I was in High School, I remember this one assignment from my English teacher in which we were asked to write a letter to someone we loved and also to someone we were mad at. We were to write it with no intent of this person ever reading the letter – and while originally the assignment seemed ridiculous – it was actually extremely therapeutic. I encourage you to assign yourself this task. Take a minute to think of that one person who made you really angry or hurt you really badly, and write them a letter they will never see. Or think of the one person you love more than anyone else in this world, and write them a letter describing every little thing that draws you to them – they don’t ever have to read it.

For today’s post, my letter is to my middle school self.

Dear 13 year old me,

There is no denying that you are different from your classmates. Don’t even try to fit in, because I’m sorry, but you weren’t born to. You are never going to fit the mold and you are going to learn eventually that for you, that’s a very good thing.

Ignore the bullies. I know how hard this is when they won’t leave you alone and seem to come from every side, but just ignore them. What your parents keep telling you is true; they are just jealous of something you have. Either that, or something is wrong for them at home and for some reason, they have picked you as their target to release the anger that causes. None of this makes it right, but it’s not personal. You are better than them anyway, and one day soon you are going to see this for yourself.

Use the medicine the doctors prescribed to you for your acne. Just use it. It takes two minutes and you’ll thank me later. Just do it.

Stop worrying about the friend’s that back stab you or treat you like a second choice; don’t give them a second thought. Focus on the one girl who has never faltered and who has always been there. You know who I’m talking about. Trust me, in just a few short years it’s going to be very clear who your true friends are and all of this time spent trying to get old friends back is going to seem like a waste of time. You will go to many lengths to keep friends, and that’s what makes you so good, but not everyone will do the same for you. You don’t need those people.

Stop arguing with your sisters so much over the tiniest of problems. Yes, I know, it’s easy to argue, but they are your sisters and you’ll always have them around. When it seems like you have no one else, these girls are always going to have your back. Don’t take them for granted.

Stop. Yelling. At. Your. Parents. Trust me. When you’re out living on your own, it’s your mom and dad that are going to be answering the phone at nine o’clock at night to hear you ramble and answer your ridiculous questions, no matter how stupid. So just stop. They are doing their best, and they don’t deserve it. You are very lucky to have such amazing parents.

Stop focusing on the family that doesn’t spend time with you, and focus on the ones that do. You have amazing people in your life. The people that don’t want to be their don’t matter.

Don’t beat yourself up about math class. You’re not going to get any better throughout High School, and that’s okay. You excel in other classes, focus your energy there. You will pass math class, it will be okay. Don’t stress about it so much.

Have fun. Don’t worry about looking silly. These years are going to fly by so fast and you’re going to wish you had taken another minute to swing on the playground and play tag with your friends. Savor these moments before they are gone.

Love,

Poetry