Two Halves of Two Broken Hearts

Your body is in perfect working order in regards to your physical health still

your heart feels as if it may shatter into a million unrecognizable pieces without warning

so I have bought you some duct tape. I have called out of work and canceled my meetings. I have brought with me some wine and my collection of mixed CD’s that were collecting dust and I have brought with me my heart.

My heart isn’t working right either. With each breath I can feel the pain slowly inching closer to my chest, working it’s way into my emotions but I am still breathing.

You are still breathing. We are both broken. Maybe alone, broken beyond repair.

You get a little tipsy and start whispering to me about suicide. It’s not a mistake. The words that roll off your lips are intentional, your eyes well up with tears.

Your heart is splitting and it can’t take much more.

So I am going to reach into my chest and break my heart in half and gently, I am going to do the same to yours, and we can trade because maybe having a friend with you with every breath you take is really the only thing we need

and if I can save you maybe I can also save myself

if there is hope for you maybe there is also hope for me

so take this – the only thing I have to offer and

do with it the best you can

the best anyone can with two halves of two broken hearts.

-A Kinda Pretty Mess

Chantelle

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Positively Negative

This morning as I lay in bed with sleep still just behind my eyelids, scrolling through Facebook on my phone (a habit I am trying to break), I was slammed with post after post on how bad ‘her’ day was and how horrible this thing went for ‘him’. Now, I am the biggest complainer this world has seen. Another habit I am trying to break for sure, but complaining is easy, and sometimes, it feels good to get it all off of your chest. So in no way am I trying to imply that complaining is bad – because while maybe it is, nobody is perfect and I don’t see a world where everyone doesn’t complain at least a little bit.

However, it seems more and more these days that is all my social media is filled with. People are complaining about everything, from how their day started, to the unfair decision at work, to even how bad they think they look today followed by a selfie. Whether these people are searching for some kind of validation or a pat on the back, I am not sure, but from me, they only receive a questioning look. I want to reach through their phone screen and ask them – if everything is going so terribly, why don’t you do something about it? I mean this in the nicest way possible – the best things in life have come to me when I got up and worked for it, not when I sat behind my phone and ranted about it on Facebook.

I do see the irony here, as I sit behind my computer screen and type these words. Today, social media is everywhere, and I love being able to connect with my friends and family instantly. At the core, this isn’t even about social media and where these people are posting their negativity – it is about the fact that negativity is all I am seeing.

Let’s lift each other up. Instead of commenting angry words the next time you see a post you disagree with, offer a friendly countering opinion and begin a discussion. Instead of just scrolling past the next time your Facebook friend posts that they are having a rough day, open up messenger and ask them if there is anything you can do. The next time you’re at the grocery store and someone can’t afford a carton of milk and some eggs, pay for them if you have the means. When you see a child smiling at you, smile back.

The energy we put out into the world is the energy we will receive back, so why not put out a little bit more positive energy today for those that just can’t seem to muster it. Let’s send out a little more light for those struggling today in the darkness. It’s okay to complain, it’s okay to not feel one hundred percent about ourselves all of the time, but then we have to stand up and carry on. So, the next time you see someone down, maybe carry them for a little while, and post about that on Facebook instead.

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Stranger

When I saw you from across the cafe I recognized not you but the sadness behind your eyes was one I knew all too well

I know we have never met but I want to take this moment to sit next to you and tell you not my name but something far more important like

we are strangers but not even a stranger deserves to be alone and I will sit here with you all day if that means you decide to continue fighting

you are struggling to hold on to the last strands of hope you have left and you are hiding it so well but your eyes give you up

your eyes that tell stories of defeat, loss, heart break

I am reaching across the table now to hold your hand tight and confide in you that I too have been in the same place you have been and I know what you are feeling

We are strangers but allow me to hold onto you, allow me to take away some of this pain and hold it on my back for a while, allow me to take a shift of this long work day

allow me to help you find your way back home or maybe just back to yourself

life is hard and it will beat you up and hold you down until you can’t fight back but everything is easier when you have a friend

please allow this stranger to be your friend, all friends start out this way

you see I don’t have anything to get out of this but your happiness and I know you can fight back if only you knew you had someone in your corner so

let this stranger stand on the sidelines and tell you

you are not alone.

-CM

You Are Not Alone

“What reason do you have to be depressed?” “You’re so young, you don’t even know what real problems are, believe me, you’re not depressed.” “You’re just over reacting.”

These statements only begin the list of doubts I heard from not only strangers, but even family and friends when it first became apparent that I was struggling. Struggling being the watered down term I began to use when depressed caused people to tip toe around me as if I were made of glass.

While it didn’t take much to admit to myself that I was depressed, telling others was another story. I knew that people wouldn’t believe me. And even worse, people would.

To this day, several years later, my history with depression isn’t a story that I tell very frequently. There is such a stigma around the word, especially for young people. People immediately want to know every reason you have to explain why you are depressed. They think that just because you are under the age of twenty five, your life requires their expertise to determine the legitimacy of your mental illness.

Dozens of therapy sessions and many long nights crying later, I can proudly say that I survived my battle with depression. But that was just one fight. The truth is, for most, depression is a long war that has to be fought many times before it’s truly won. But the difference is, I’m not scared this time.

I swore to myself after I was quote on quote determined “cured”, that I wouldn’t speak of my depression publicly again. The truth is, I’m not even certain why I am doing it now, but what I do know, is that there are way too many young kids hiding in their rooms, suffering, afraid to tell anyone because they are afraid they won’t be heard.

I remember all to well being sixteen with my head between my knees in the corner of my room, sobbing into a pillow in hopes that no one would hear me. Just as awful, I remember the days that I couldn’t cry at all and my body felt numb.

I know I am just one person in billions. But we all are. If nothing else, I hope this post makes you think. I know it’s different from my previous poems and stories, some even uplifting and inspirational. But the truth is, if I hadn’t been able to make it through my very real depression, a depression many people didn’t want to recognize existed in me, then I wouldn’t have been here to write these posts.

You’re not alone. Your depression is real. You can beat it. Thankfully for me, I had very loving parents and an amazing best friend that pulled me through to the other side, while I kicked and screamed right along side them. But many people aren’t as lucky. All it takes is for one person to say “This is real. This is not in your head. This is scary, but you are going to be okay.”

Be that person.

Please leave me a comment, let’s start a discussion. And please, feel free to share. The world needs you.