Tag: sad

Posted in Thoughts and Opinions

Positively Negative

Posted on by Chantelle Mathewson

This morning as I lay in bed with sleep still just behind my eyelids, scrolling through Facebook on my phone (a habit I am trying to break), I was slammed with post after post on how bad ‘her’ day was and how horrible this thing went for ‘him’. Now, I am the biggest complainer this world has seen. Another habit I am trying to break for sure, but complaining is easy, and sometimes, it feels good to get it all off of your chest. So in no way am I trying to imply that complaining is bad – because while maybe it is, nobody is perfect and I don’t see a world where everyone doesn’t complain at least a little bit.

However, it seems more and more these days that is all my social media is filled with. People are complaining about everything, from how their day started, to the unfair decision at work, to even how bad they think they look today followed by a selfie. Whether these people are searching for some kind of validation or a pat on the back, I am not sure, but from me, they only receive a questioning look. I want to reach through their phone screen and ask them – if everything is going so terribly, why don’t you do something about it? I mean this in the nicest way possible – the best things in life have come to me when I got up and worked for it, not when I sat behind my phone and ranted about it on Facebook.

I do see the irony here, as I sit behind my computer screen and type these words. Today, social media is everywhere, and I love being able to connect with my friends and family instantly. At the core, this isn’t even about social media and where these people are posting their negativity – it is about the fact that negativity is all I am seeing.

Let’s lift each other up. Instead of commenting angry words the next time you see a post you disagree with, offer a friendly countering opinion and begin a discussion. Instead of just scrolling past the next time your Facebook friend posts that they are having a rough day, open up messenger and ask them if there is anything you can do. The next time you’re at the grocery store and someone can’t afford a carton of milk and some eggs, pay for them if you have the means. When you see a child smiling at you, smile back.

The energy we put out into the world is the energy we will receive back, so why not put out a little bit more positive energy today for those that just can’t seem to muster it. Let’s send out a little more light for those struggling today in the darkness. It’s okay to complain, it’s okay to not feel one hundred percent about ourselves all of the time, but then we have to stand up and carry on. So, the next time you see someone down, maybe carry them for a little while, and post about that on Facebook instead.

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Posted in Poetry, Thoughts and Opinions

Hold On

Posted on by Chantelle Mathewson

When the boy in gym shorts and basketball jersey tells you he just isn’t ready

don’t ask him why you are a test that has to be studied for.

Let him know that it’s okay not to know the answers and then walk away

because the right one won’t need to be ready.

When the boy at prom in his rented suit and tie tells you he doesn’t want a relationship

don’t tell him your body is not just another prize to be won.

Let him know that he doesn’t need to apologize but know it’s okay to move on

because the right one will want a relationship the moment he sees you

even if he has never wanted a relationship in his life.

When the man with the nice watch and tattoos looks at you like you are his world but

you are just not ready for the commitment let him go.

If he was the right one, you wouldn’t have a question in your mind and when you

look at him, you wouldn’t doubt this love for a second.

When the man in the blue jeans and white t-shirt tells you that he loves you

and every fiber of your body pulsates with that same love

don’t run away.

Know that it is okay to be scared of this and tell him you are scared

but you are ready.

The right one will not leave – not when things are hard – not when things are easy

The right one will stay

The right one will love every broken piece of you the others didn’t.

The right one will fight for you.

The right one will never make you second guess his loyalty.

Fairy tale endings and happily ever afters may not be real.

But when you find the one that makes your world make sense

hold on and tell him

you aren’t going anywhere.

 

-CM

Posted in Poetry

Rainy Days

Posted on by Chantelle Mathewson

If I were to take a pole, I’m ninety percent sure rainy days would be the least favorite kind of days for seventy five percent of people –

statistics I made up but could be true because

rain makes people sad.

When the clouds pull over the blue sky and water begins falling,

suddenly people are reminded of the day their lives began to fall apart.

It’s as if the sky is crying.

She is sobbing her loneliness into the soil but first her sadness hits our shoulders

and even if we aren’t outside to feel the drops, we still soak a little of it into our souls.

Our insides wilt just a little even as the flowers outside stand a little straighter

our branches bend against the wind

and that is the beauty of rainy days –

For those that fall in the fifteen percent of made up people that love the rain

there is something about the sound the drops make when they hit the ground

that remind us that we aren’t alone.

When the clouds begin to cover the sky my soul starts to shift

and my body begins to wake up.

Dancing in the rain is on the top of my favorite things to do list

and I think it’s sad how many people miss out on it’s beauty because

they are afraid of messing up their hair and drenching their clothes.

Hair can be brushed, clothes can be dried

but how many chances are you going to get to live this day again –

this moment, this life.

The next time it rains or pours or sprinkles

please step outside if only for a fraction of a second and instead of dreading

the feeling of the water hitting your skin

let it remind you that while the sun is beautiful and warmth is brilliant

rain has the pour to awaken even the most hopeless of hearts

and that’s pretty special.

 

-CM

Posted in Poetry

Let’s Run

Posted on by Chantelle Mathewson

You don’t need me to tell you that suicide is not the answer.

You don’t need me to sugar coat this story either with promises of

a better tomorrow and a light at the end of the tunnel.

Since the moment you admitted your depression to the world everybody

has been telling you that it will be okay.

Every last stranger and friend has told you to keep your head up.

I could easily hold your hand and walk with you in this dark

if that’s what you need.

My arms will create a barrier between you and the negative thoughts

if you need someone to protect you from yourself.

I am not here to tell you that everything is going to be fine.

I am not here to tell you to keep your head up.

I am here to tell you that you are not alone

I am here to scream at you because you stopped listening to your own voice

months ago when the alcohol stopped numbing the pain

and no matter how loud you cranked the music

the voices in your head would not shut up.

I am here to yank you up off your feet and

out of the shadows.

I am here to run with you until our legs give out and we fall

and find that the ground

is a perfect place to start building again.

I could easily tell you that suicide is not the answer.

I could say the words as easily as anyone else because they are true.

But we both know you won’t listen to me.

You’ve forgotten how to really listen and that’s okay.

I don’t want to tell you words you aren’t going to remember.

I am here to show you

that this life is worth living.

I am here to show you all of the things that you forgot.

So let’s call out of work.

Let’s go on that trip you always wanted to take and if we don’t have the money

let’s just drive until we get lost and when we get lost

let’s park and stare up at the sky

talking of nothing

and just cry because sometimes

crying is the only answer

and sometimes

there doesn’t have to be an answer

or a reason

or a promise of a better tomorrow.

Sometimes there just has to be a tomorrow.

And another tomorrow. And another.

I am not here to make empty promises you won’t believe.

I am here to show you all of the possibilities

all of the happiness and light your life could hold

if you make it to another day and then another week

and then another month and eventually

another year.

Tomorrow might be horrible.

Or it might be the best day of your life.

I have been where you are right now

but I am not here to tell you my story.

I am here to tell you that yours is not over.

Don’t let it be over

this is not how your story ends.

 

-CM

 

Posted in Poetry

you – MIND over MATTER

Posted on by Chantelle Mathewson

My mind has a way of convincing me that my thoughts are misguided.

I sit in silence with a voice that is only my own rattling around in my head

but I can’t even trust what she tells me.

A year ago I would have believed her when she told me I was crazy.

A year ago I would have taken her word for it when she mumbled

‘you are not enough’ and in the next sentence ‘you can trust him –

you have nothing to worry about -‘

Today I do not take her words on first listen

Instead I turn them over in my ears before

letting them roll into my brain and only then

do I decide which pile they get sorted into –

True or untrue.

True: I am enough.

Untrue: You can trust him.

True: You have nothing to worry about. You are still enough. Even if you’re not enough for him.  

 

-CM

Posted in Letters to..., Poetry, Thoughts and Opinions

Ramblings to Myself

Posted on by Chantelle Mathewson

What? Did you think it was going to be easy? Did you think you’d just wave your hand and get everything that you ever wanted? I’m sorry that this isn’t some fairy tale in which everyone gets their happy ending. But that doesn’t mean you don’t get a happy ending. It just means that you might have to fight for it. Here, happy endings aren’t just handed out to the first willing recipient. So if you’ve come to me looking for someone to tell you it’s going to be okay, I’m not your girl. If you’re looking for someone to say it’s not your fault, that you did all that you could, that’s not me either. I only have one thing to tell you, and that is that I still believe in you. I still believe in you, but that doesn’t matter if you don’t believe in yourself. You can still do it. You can still get everything you ever wanted, you can still have your happy ending, but you have to let go of something first. You have to let go of the past, of this fear that you aren’t enough. You are enough. You can do this. You can have it all. But only if you let go.

-CM

Posted in Poetry

Stay Alive

Posted on by Chantelle Mathewson

You say he was your only reason to be happy but there are infinite more reasons to stay alive than because of him – remember

your happiness does not reside in the heart of another.

Stay alive for belly laughs that leave you out of breath

for sunsets so brilliant you almost forget how dark the sky gets when it rains

but also live for the rain because it can bring rainbows and

live for the smiles of children so innocent and pure and for

puppies that just want a bit of your attention and love.

Stay alive for your favorite book that will probably be made into a TV show

and then stay alive to binge watch that TV show.

Live for hugs so tight you can feel the pain easing for just a moment,

for late night talks with your best friend.

He may not love you anymore leading you to question if he ever did so

stop basing your right to exist off of another human being.

Exist because tomorrow has the potential to be so beautiful but

who will know if your not around to see it.

 

-CM

Posted in Poetry

Spoken Word – The Right Love

Posted on by Chantelle Mathewson

When Summer rolls into Autumn and September

allows the leaves to fall from their branches

I come alive as if

something in my bones was sleeping for a season only to be tapped on the shoulder

and gently shaken back to reality.

My joints stiff, my muscles weakened, my heart beats faster

the chilly, crisp air breathing a new life into me

and I can’t imagine a world in which I did not love this season

yet there are people crawling into the shadows as I am waking up,

people who get their energy from the intense heat of Summer

or the snowflakes falling onto their skin in the Winter

or the muddy puddles that come with Spring.

I will never love Summer the way I love Autumn

or snow the way I love pumpkins

and maybe that explains why you will never love me

the way you love her.

As beautiful as my leaves may be,

they can never be snowflakes.

My skin will never be her skin,

I will never sound, feel, or smell the way she does,

I will always lack something that you need,

and I am trying to come to terms with that.

I would never force someone to love my favorite season

So why would I force you to love me,

when even if it worked,

you’d never love me the way I want to be loved –

completely, fully, like when you look at me

your world suddenly makes sense.

If she is what you need,

I am learning to accept that as beautiful as I am,

I will never be her.

I have to be okay with that.

 

-CM

Posted in Poetry, Videos

Trying Something New!

Posted on by Chantelle Mathewson

What Depression Feels Like – A Poem

Today, as I explain briefly in the video, I thought I would try something new for me. I’ve always liked the idea of reciting my poems rather than just typing them out for you all to read. I thought I would start off here. I didn’t have this poem memorized, so I am reading it off the screen, which explains why my eyes are moving so much. And the camera quality isn’t great. But those things aside, I hope you enjoy this, and let me know which you prefer!

I love spoken word poetry, and most of my poems are written with the intent of being read out loud. If you all like this, I would be interested in playing around with better camera quality and lighting, and reciting poems that I do have memorized, in a bit of a more practiced, and not so relaxed setting. Let me know what you think!

 

I’ll also leave the poem below in case you would rather read it.

The first time somebody asked me what depression feels like

My tongue ballooned inside my mouth

They asked me

“Are you just…sad all of the time?”

And I nodded

Instead of screaming No!

If I was merely sad all of the time

Why would my face twist into this upside down frown

Why would I tell you I am

Fine when you ask me how I’ve been lately

If I was merely just sad all of the time why

Would I push them all away

The hands that reach out to help me

Why would I touch their fingertips for a brief moment

Before closing my eyes and forgetting how good it feels to be needed.

I don’t blame you.

You unknowing examiner simply curious

What does depression feel like

I lived in the same house for most of my childhood

I could tell you where each coffee table and arm rest sat

I could trace for you a map of each safe walkway from door to door

But when the lights are shut off and the darkness swallows

I stumble into corners

I know that if I turn right now I will find a lightswitch on that wall

But I turn a second too soon and my hand finds a jagged edge

Of a picture frame inside of the light switch

This is what depression feels like

I have lived inside this body my whole life

But sometimes

When the lights go dim

I can’t seem to find the light switch.

 

-CM

Posted in Letters to..., Poetry, Thoughts and Opinions

A Letter to my Super Hero

Posted on by Chantelle Mathewson

Superheroes fight battle after battle alone, backs against the wall, with no one to help, just as you have. You have fought for so long, your strength is undeniable, you can win this fight alone, but you don’t have to. Magical powers or extreme strength may win you a battle, but they won’t win the war. Marvel movies are a prime example of this theory in action; iron man has his suit, Thor has his hammer, Black Widow has Hawkeye…every superhero needs their secret weapon. At the peak of the war, when it seems all has been lost, every soldier is lying bleeding on the field, little hope is left trickling within your veins, the hulk smashes through the trees. Captain America’s shield flies through the sky, and suddenly, you’re calm. All has been saved. Your backup plan, your second line of defense when what you have to give just isn’t enough. Your last resounding yell as you charge one last time into battle.  You are never alone. Yes, there may be moments when you feel utterly and completely alone. The whole world may feel against you but when shit really hits the fan, you feel an arm wrap around your shoulder. It’s in this moment that you remember, you were never truly in this by yourself. So when your battle comes, when you are fighting whatever war you have been dealt, I want you to look around. I want you to give it all that you have, and when you’ve done that, when you can’t give anymore, I want you to let go. Let go and trust that my arm is going to be there. I would never let you fall. You might get beat up and bruised, I can’t stop every knife slash from bringing a little blood, but the scars are what make you stronger. Even if I could keep you safe from all harm, I wouldn’t, but I would never let you lose the fight. With my last breath, I would save yours. When my whole world is on fire, I would use the last bucket of water I have to extinguish the flames that keep you captive. That is what your sidekick is for. You are the super hero of this story, and I am merely here to keep you alive to win the war.