When You Died I Read

When my world fell apart I went to the bookstore.

I went to the bookstore because there I am a stranger.

The aisles are just hallways and each person is just a traveler.

I went to the bookstore because the pages on the shelves

hold more stories than I ever will so within those pieces of paper

They must know greater heartbreak than what I am feeling

and there is a comfort in that

knowing that in this bookstore as I pass each title

I am not alone.

When my world crashed around me

I didn’t buy anything at the bookstore.

I wasn’t there to exchange paper for paper –

I ran my fingers down the spines of each bound cover I could never have

and I thought of your face.

What a beautiful thing you are – they are –

so far gone from me yet within finger tip distance.

I could flip through your pages but I will never get the chance

to read your novel.

 

-CM

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Falling In Love Early

I found my soulmate long before I even knew what romance was. Funny isn’t it? You’re just playing in the backyard with a person who laughs at the same things as you, comforting a person who cries when you cry, and all of a sudden you can’t imagine your life without them. I met my soulmate before I could even walk or talk. That’s the thing about a true soulmate. They often aren’t even romantic at all. They’ve seen you through it all. They were the one person who stayed when everyone else left. They believed in you when you didn’t even believe in yourself. They are much more than a best friend. Sure, we can simplify it and call it that, but this bond deserves a title much larger than that. You can’t really know it until you feel it, this connection that crosses boundaries. It’s almost as if you become mind readers. You know what they are going to say before they say it. You know they are in trouble before they call you. You know to message them before your phone even goes off. You can be thousands of miles apart, and you still know the exact moment that they need you. It’s almost supernatural, and that’s why it deserves a much bigger title. Sure, you’ll meet many people you love after them. You’ll fall in love and get married. You’ll have other friends. But your soulmate will always be your soulmate. No one can replace them.

-CM

Advice from the also lost

Tips from a semi-happy twenty one year old on how to live a happier life (read on if you think taking advice from an only semi-functioning semi-adult is a good idea):

1.) Start off your day with a cup of coffee. Or tea, if that’s your thing. Prepare it the way you like, with just the right amount of sweetener and milk, even if your boyfriend judges you as you tip the whole bottle of french vanilla creamer into your mug. While you drink it, watch your favorite program or read your favorite book.

2.) Wake up earlier. Don’t give me that look. I know we all love the extra five minutes the snooze button gives us, but start off by not hitting the button. And then set your alarm for ten minutes earlier, and then half an hour. I try to be up by seven every morning. I go into work at noon most days, and it’s amazing how much more you can achieve if you give yourself just a couple extra hours. What are you really getting from laying in bed tossing and turning anyway?

3.) Keep in touch with your friends and family. Only the ones you want to talk to, I don’t mean you need to daily face time Great Aunt Macy from your dad’s side. But reach out. Call your mom every day if you can, text your sisters, snap chat your best friend. It’s easy to feel lonely and isolated if you are indeed isolating yourself. People want to talk to you. Sometimes they just forget to start the conversation.

4.) Be the bigger person. I don’t mean eat tons of cake, but hey, do that too. There is nothing wrong with a few extra curves. But also, let things go. When something someone says bothers you, if it won’t matter tomorrow, just brush it off. Maybe they are having a bad day, and they unfortunately chose to take it out on you. There’s no need for you to now have a bad day too. Just be the bigger person and let it go.

5.) Wear what makes you comfortable. If six inch heels and a skin tight dress are what makes you happy, wear it. But if sweat pants and a sweater do the trick, wear that instead. There’s no point in impressing people you aren’t going to ever see again, or really even people you see every day. Dress to impress yourself, because at the end of the day, that’s the only opinion that matters.

6.) Purchase some white Christmas lights and put them around your main living space. Just trust me on this one. At night when you switch them on, you will feel so much comfier. You can thank me later.

7.) Smile at children. They don’t know yet that the world sucks. And the smile you get in return will make it suck just a little less for a few minutes.

8.) Do your best and trust that it has to be enough, then move on. Don’t stress the small stuff. It won’t matter in a year anyway.

9.) Eat whatever the heck you want. Simple.

10.) Do whatever the heck you want. Simple. If it doesn’t harm anyone else or yourself, then it shouldn’t matter. Just do it.

Those are my top ten. What are yours? Maybe from a slightly less lost individual, if those even exist.

 

-CM

Loving The Girl in The Mirror

 

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Three years ago, looking in the mirror was the hardest part of my day. I would brush my teeth and get dressed with the lights off, only flicking them on to check that I didn’t get any tooth paste on my face, before flicking them off with a churning in my stomach. The mirror showed me a person I didn’t like to see. She wasn’t unattractive really, she just wasn’t the person I wanted to be. Feeling this way continued for over a year, and I’m honestly not sure why I let it go on for this long, but I know I’m not alone.

The girls you see on social media or in the hallways at school or walking down the street after work are not nearly as confident as they seem. The skinny girl who seems to have it all together goes home and cries, wishing stores actually sold her size, just as the girl with the curves you envy does the same. The girl with the bright blue hair that shines a smile so bright you think you’ll go blind is hiding a depression darker than even the blackest night, just as the girl wearing all black wishes she wasn’t breathing as she takes another swig from the bottle.

The mirror isn’t nice to any of us. There is no secret, no switch that will allow you to love yourself. There isn’t a single person who looks into the mirror and loves every single thing they see. I promise you that. If I can promise you anything, it is that you are not alone. It took me over a year to realize that I didn’t have to force myself to love the girl I saw every morning. I didn’t have to love her – but she had never stopped loving me. No matter how many times I turned the lights off on her, pinched her rolls between my fingers, pulled at her frizzy hair, bit her nails – she still loved me despite it all.

Today, looking in the mirror still isn’t fun some days. I dread turning on the light and seeing that one tooth that sits back too far. I know I am going to grimace at the little hairs that grow above my lips where they shouldn’t. My stomach turns at how my hair never lays flat, always sticks off in random directions. But I still do it. I still turn the lights on. I still give her a long look and a smile, and I tell her I love her.

Seasonal Happiness

Sometimes I wish I lived in a tropical paradise so that

every year as the ground begins to freeze

maybe my heart and body would have a chance.

They tell me it’s seasonal depression as the snow begins to fall

and so does my stomach but I think I would prefer to call it

seasonal happiness for me who gets

maybe two good months of easy smiles

and forces them through heartbreak the other ten.

My heart loves the Holiday spirit but my body hates the cold

my body loves the hot chocolate and festive music but my heart hates

the forced nameless sadness that makes itself home in my chest.

They tell me it’s normal and that it will pass

but for twenty one years I have lived every day

waiting for it to pass.

Maybe next year this seasonal happiness will stay.

 

-CM

For My Niece

Never have I wanted to be a better person more than when I look into your eyes –

This isn’t to say I am a bad person, but when you look up at me

I want to be a saint.

When your tiny fingers close around mine I know I can’t give you the world

but I would give you mine in a heartbeat.

Holding you even for just a moment glues my wounds shut and

for those few seconds I feel like a little kid again –

whole.

When your blue eyes seek mine for answers I know I can’t protect you

from every evil in this world – you have a Daddy and Papa

with big hands and even bigger hearts for that –

But know my arms will always be a place for you to rest and know

my ear will always be here to listen and know

no matter how far away I am

I will always drop whatever task is at hand

if you ask me to and I will drive or I will fly or I will crawl but I will

be there.

I did not give you life baby girl – you have the worlds best Mama given to you by the worlds best Nana –

but know Auntie would give her last breath if it meant you could have just

one more.

 

-CM

Where I’ve Been

(A poem explaining my absence lately)

 

I owe no apology for taking a break mentally or emotionally

to anybody who picks and prods into my whereabouts

I owe no apology for living this life the way I choose however

I owe an explanation for the way my body has changed

I owe an explanation for the way my mind has grown because maybe

someone could learn from me when I walk into a room and

I no longer think I am the ugliest or the dumbest

I owe an explanation for this growth that sprouted from

planting myself in the dark, in the silence, alone

Light coming in from slats, reaching me in the deepest corners so that

when I stepped out

my wings unfolded.

I owe no apology for taking a break but I do want to let you know

you can take one too.

 

-CM

Anxiety (Part II)

Before my feet even cross over the invisible line between real world and hospital

I have already convinced myself I am dying of ten different incurable diseases.

I have started my list of “things to do before I die”

starting with

  1. Stop stressing so damn much before there is even stress to stress about

I walk out of the doctors office with a prescription for an anxiety drug that will

“help me not worry so much” and the memory of a very tired doctor repeating that

I was not going to die any time soon.

But what if that truck swerves into my lane and hits me?

What if my car bursts into flames as soon as I shut the door?

What if today is my last day? –

I am not afraid of death or dying

specifically

I am afraid of everything.

-CM

The End

When the ground began to shake, forming human size gaps in it’s core,

we knew this was the end.

When the trees began to fall and the sky began to rumble deep in it’s belly

we heard the cries.

Mothers reached for their children,

Fathers didn’t have arms big enough to hold everyone they wanted,

Doctors rushed to save any life they could,

Fire fighters tried in vain to stop the burning,

Police officers fought to regain control –

I held onto myself, watching as the world I complained about so often

fell in shambles around me and all I could think was

if only we could go back a few days

Maybe I could stop the burning before it began.

 

-CM

Body Parts

I left my tongue under your pillow last night

after the kissing and the touching and the lack of talking I tried

to tell you how I felt but my tongue slipped from my mouth and

now it’s stuck there under your white pillow case

wiggling, desperate to be heard so if you see it

please give it back.

I left my hands in your bathroom after I was done cleaning up

after the caressing and the lack of snuggling

I tried to reach out to you

to get you back but my hands disconnected and now

they are somewhere in your bathroom searching for something

they will never find so if you hear them

please keep them safe for me.

I tried to leave my heart with you

the only piece of my body I was willing to give but

you wouldn’t take it –

maybe this is why my body began to fall apart

leaving parts of itself where only you will find it

maybe my heart wasn’t good enough but maybe my

tongue or my hands

will be.

-CM