I AM FINE

We are all guilty

of saying those two words that mean so much while being so small.

Those two words

“I’m fine”.

Behind smiles we hide and behind words we close the door to

anyone who may want to enter and reach out a hand

to anyone who might try to climb in a window

we board up every entrance with those two words –

harmless.

“I’m fine”.

So they’ll stop asking and

when they stop asking how we are,

what is wrong,

we can stop smiling so much

we can let our shoulders sag a little when we walk

we can slump down in our chairs because

“we’re fine”.

When they stop asking we can stop pretending to be

so happy all of the damn time because if they ask again

we’ll just say

“I’m tired”

“I had a long day at work”

“I’m just stressed”

“I’m fine”

When we are the farthest from fine but we think

who wants to hear about my problems.

Who wants to sit here and watch me cry over things

I can’t even change.

So we ignore those hands scratching at our walls

We ignore those voices trying to reach our ears

We ignore the ladders placed at our gates

and we repeat

“I’m fine”

 

-CM

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Conversations with Me

‘Sometimes he just gets on my nerves’ she said through quiet sobs

‘sometimes he does something so tiny but it makes me question everything –

you know?’

And in that moment I did know and I wanted to hold her because I knew

exactly what it was like to love somebody with your whole being but still

question if you are doing the right thing so instead I sat back and asked her the only

question I knew how to ask –

‘do you love him?’

with a shudder and a gasp in between her sobs she nodded her head and her voice

rose like a light from the darkness

‘with everything that I have’.

‘so you fight for him’ I told her and if everything else was a lie in this thing called life

I knew that to be a fact.

‘If you truly love something you are going to question it’, I further reasoned

‘our minds have a way of convincing us that we don’t deserve what we have

so we try to find a way to believe that it isn’t meant to be.

But you love him, so you fight for him.’

She didn’t seem convinced but her voice was a bit more steady when she spoke next.

‘I can’t lose him.’

‘Then you won’t,’ I answered her

and now I knew three things to be certain.

If you love someone you fight for them until you’ve given it all you can

and then you let go and if you let go and they stay

you have found someone worth fighting for

and I have found someone worth fighting for.

I turned from the mirror and my sobbing figure straightened.

‘Are we going to be okay?’ she asked

‘We will be.’

 

-CM

Positively Negative

This morning as I lay in bed with sleep still just behind my eyelids, scrolling through Facebook on my phone (a habit I am trying to break), I was slammed with post after post on how bad ‘her’ day was and how horrible this thing went for ‘him’. Now, I am the biggest complainer this world has seen. Another habit I am trying to break for sure, but complaining is easy, and sometimes, it feels good to get it all off of your chest. So in no way am I trying to imply that complaining is bad – because while maybe it is, nobody is perfect and I don’t see a world where everyone doesn’t complain at least a little bit.

However, it seems more and more these days that is all my social media is filled with. People are complaining about everything, from how their day started, to the unfair decision at work, to even how bad they think they look today followed by a selfie. Whether these people are searching for some kind of validation or a pat on the back, I am not sure, but from me, they only receive a questioning look. I want to reach through their phone screen and ask them – if everything is going so terribly, why don’t you do something about it? I mean this in the nicest way possible – the best things in life have come to me when I got up and worked for it, not when I sat behind my phone and ranted about it on Facebook.

I do see the irony here, as I sit behind my computer screen and type these words. Today, social media is everywhere, and I love being able to connect with my friends and family instantly. At the core, this isn’t even about social media and where these people are posting their negativity – it is about the fact that negativity is all I am seeing.

Let’s lift each other up. Instead of commenting angry words the next time you see a post you disagree with, offer a friendly countering opinion and begin a discussion. Instead of just scrolling past the next time your Facebook friend posts that they are having a rough day, open up messenger and ask them if there is anything you can do. The next time you’re at the grocery store and someone can’t afford a carton of milk and some eggs, pay for them if you have the means. When you see a child smiling at you, smile back.

The energy we put out into the world is the energy we will receive back, so why not put out a little bit more positive energy today for those that just can’t seem to muster it. Let’s send out a little more light for those struggling today in the darkness. It’s okay to complain, it’s okay to not feel one hundred percent about ourselves all of the time, but then we have to stand up and carry on. So, the next time you see someone down, maybe carry them for a little while, and post about that on Facebook instead.

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Introducing Me

Me

Truth be told, I haven’t felt the confidence to take a selfie that I actually wanted to post to any form of social media in a couple of months. Anyone that knows me, knows that’s strange. But they’ll also know that Autumn is when I seem to wake up every year, so it’s no coincidence that as the weather starts to get cooler and the leaves begin to fall, I begin to get my swag back. The meaning of this post however is not to ramble on about selfies, but to introduce myself a little more to our tiny growing community.

I am a young woman in my mid-twenties, somehow stumbling through life. I was born and raised in the Northeast Kingdom, United States. I have two sisters and the most amazing of parents, as well as the best friend a girl could ask for. I am in love with my boyfriend of three years, who somehow is just as goofy and crazy as I am. I love food, working out (when I make it to the gym), I work a lot, and I have an obsession with books and writing. I also love decorating and a majority of the time I can be found binge watching my favorite TV shows on repeat.

My number one passion in life is poetry. What I will post mainly to this blog is poetry, and I hope you all can find the same refuge in it that I do, if only for a couple of moments at a time. While I could post this to an about page, just like seasons and humans alike, this blog will be ever shifting. While poetry will remain my focus, I can’t promise that a post like today’s or maybe a review of my favorite active wear or even a display of my fall decor might not pop up in the future. This blog is for now my outlet, and I hope also that anyone who has stumbled here today can find the peace and escape they may be looking for.

I have struggled with depression and anxiety most of my life. A majority of my poetry will be based in these struggles and also in my moments of recovery. My main focus will be to help anyone else that may be struggling, because I know this life can be hard, and it’s okay to need help. Poetry has lifted me from some of my darkest times, and if even one of my poems can do that for someone else, I have succeeded here.

If you so happen to enjoy what you read here, please take a moment to look around my blog and read some of what I have to offer. If you feel so inclined, give A Kinda Pretty Mess a follow and become a part of my little family. I usually post once or twice a day, sometimes missing a day or two when life gets busy.

I would love to get to know you, so please stick around and introduce yourself.

I will leave you with today’s thought of the day: you are only as weak as you think you are. You are only as strong as you think you are. Your mind is a powerful tool. Do with it what you will.

-CM

Hold On

When the boy in gym shorts and basketball jersey tells you he just isn’t ready

don’t ask him why you are a test that has to be studied for.

Let him know that it’s okay not to know the answers and then walk away

because the right one won’t need to be ready.

When the boy at prom in his rented suit and tie tells you he doesn’t want a relationship

don’t tell him your body is not just another prize to be won.

Let him know that he doesn’t need to apologize but know it’s okay to move on

because the right one will want a relationship the moment he sees you

even if he has never wanted a relationship in his life.

When the man with the nice watch and tattoos looks at you like you are his world but

you are just not ready for the commitment let him go.

If he was the right one, you wouldn’t have a question in your mind and when you

look at him, you wouldn’t doubt this love for a second.

When the man in the blue jeans and white t-shirt tells you that he loves you

and every fiber of your body pulsates with that same love

don’t run away.

Know that it is okay to be scared of this and tell him you are scared

but you are ready.

The right one will not leave – not when things are hard – not when things are easy

The right one will stay

The right one will love every broken piece of you the others didn’t.

The right one will fight for you.

The right one will never make you second guess his loyalty.

Fairy tale endings and happily ever afters may not be real.

But when you find the one that makes your world make sense

hold on and tell him

you aren’t going anywhere.

 

-CM

you – MIND over MATTER

My mind has a way of convincing me that my thoughts are misguided.

I sit in silence with a voice that is only my own rattling around in my head

but I can’t even trust what she tells me.

A year ago I would have believed her when she told me I was crazy.

A year ago I would have taken her word for it when she mumbled

‘you are not enough’ and in the next sentence ‘you can trust him –

you have nothing to worry about -‘

Today I do not take her words on first listen

Instead I turn them over in my ears before

letting them roll into my brain and only then

do I decide which pile they get sorted into –

True or untrue.

True: I am enough.

Untrue: You can trust him.

True: You have nothing to worry about. You are still enough. Even if you’re not enough for him.  

 

-CM

Seizing the Morning

This morning while drinking a cup of coffee I realized

I had slept nine hours yet my limbs were still tired and my brain foggy.

I drank the rest of my coffee and dressed for the gym anyway.

While at the gym my legs screamed in protest and my arms cried out loud.

I finished my squats and did my cool down anyway.

My morning passed by with the speed of a snail while I

picked out my favorite shirt and did my makeup

anyway.

See

I learned a while back that if I wanted happiness I would have to

stop waiting for it and instead

go out and grab it.

That meant no longer wallowing in self pity when life

doesn’t seem to be going my way.

That meant waking up and expecting a good day not because the world owed me

a thing but because I would

make it for myself.

 

-CM

Ramblings to Myself

What? Did you think it was going to be easy? Did you think you’d just wave your hand and get everything that you ever wanted? I’m sorry that this isn’t some fairy tale in which everyone gets their happy ending. But that doesn’t mean you don’t get a happy ending. It just means that you might have to fight for it. Here, happy endings aren’t just handed out to the first willing recipient. So if you’ve come to me looking for someone to tell you it’s going to be okay, I’m not your girl. If you’re looking for someone to say it’s not your fault, that you did all that you could, that’s not me either. I only have one thing to tell you, and that is that I still believe in you. I still believe in you, but that doesn’t matter if you don’t believe in yourself. You can still do it. You can still get everything you ever wanted, you can still have your happy ending, but you have to let go of something first. You have to let go of the past, of this fear that you aren’t enough. You are enough. You can do this. You can have it all. But only if you let go.

-CM

To Every Girl They Tried to Hold Back

An old man told a girl I knew that her dress was too short even though the fabric reached her knees

When my classmate rose her hand more than they liked, our peers would call her a know it all

Boys would cat call the girls wearing shorts and tank tops and mock the girls wearing anything else if it didn’t please them

She was told to shut up, she was told she was wrong, when her opinion held truths they couldn’t yet face

Over and over again we are told to shrink. They tell us to quiet our voices. To make ourselves as small as we possibly can because who wants to hear our opinions anyway –

Stand up.

Rise up.

Grow taller than the tallest mountain

Reach the clouds and when you do

Scream

Open your mouth and let every word you have kept suppressed tumble out and fall at the feet of all those who said you were too fragile

Too small

Too much of a girl

to do great things

 

-CM

A poem dedicated to my father

The First Man I ever Loved – Dedicated to my father 

The first man I ever loved is the strongest man I know. When he speaks everyone in the room stops to listen. His voice is like a lullaby when the world is too loud and his chest is the softest pillow I have ever felt.

The first man I ever loved could once scoop me up and carry me around, his arms the safest place to hide, his heart the safest place to land. Too big now to be cradled, he still carries me when I’m at my weakest.

The first man I ever loved wears work boots battered and worn and pants in desperate need of patches, shirts with holes the size of your thumb but he would gladly take that very shirt off of his back and hand it to anyone in need.

The first man I ever loved is always the hardest worker in the room, the last one to leave, and when I feel alone, he’s always standing in my corner, often silent, but always there. When I stumble, it’s his arm that I feel holding me up first, and when I feel like I am going to fall on my face, it’s his embrace that keeps me from hitting the ground.

The first man I ever loved has a laugh that can shake the sadness out of you and a smile that convinces you the world may not be so bad.

The first man I ever loved is as stubborn as they come. He has the biggest heart that’s his best kept secret. There isn’t a thing he wouldn’t do for his family, forgetting whatever they may have done to him. He loves his wife and his daughters more than himself, and you can see it whenever you get a good look at him. Get a good look at him.

The first man I ever loved was not the last. But he was the one that taught me to love. Because of him I know how I should be loved. Fully, completely, as if I am their whole world because when he looks at you, you are his whole world.

-CM

Coming soon – The First Woman I Ever Loved (Dedicated to my mother)