Posted in Thoughts and Opinions

Self Love Is Messy

People love to romanticize self love. Everyone does it – and recognizing the importance of self love is a huge step, but romanticizing it can be destructive, and here’s why.

In the romantic version of self love, we see bubble baths and wine glasses. We see facial masks, nail polish, silky robes and a romantic comedy on Netflix. While at first glance, this self pampering seems like the ideal pinnacle of self love, it isn’t the reality for most people. Here is my example.

When I think about self love, my go to is a night alone, me in my apartment in fuzzy pajamas, sitting on the floor in front of my TV watching the same movie I watched last week, eating a jar of pickles and drinking a can of diet coke. My nails aren’t painted, my hair is piled in a bun resembling that of a pineapple on top of my head, my boyfriend’s sweatshirt adds five pounds, and my face hasn’t been washed since early this morning. It isn’t pretty. If someone was to look in my window, they wouldn’t think this was self love. They would probably think I was self destructing. But here is where I am my happiest. I might pass out on the carpet, wake up with a half eaten pickle in one hand and my cat curled up on my chest, but I will wake up happy.

It is important to recognize this as self love too, because for many girls, self love isn’t bubble baths and facial cleansers. I love a bubble bath as much as the next girl, but if I need a night to really relax and find myself again, I will be on the carpet with my pickles and coke, not in a bath tub smelling pretty and looking nice.

Self love isn’t always pretty. Most of the time, it’s sloppy. It’s messy, greasy, fuzzy, and dirty. Self love is the feeling you get when you are complete. Self love is treating yourself like a priority, instead of an after thought. On a normal day, I go to the gym and I eat a good breakfast, I wash my face and I listen to good music. I do consider this self love. Loving the only body I get was the best decision I ever made. This is my every day.

And then I have nights of pickles and coke, nights when bubble baths and silky robes aren’t doing the trick. These nights, I need something else. I need to remember what makes me feel whole, what makes my heart sore and my skin tingle. It’s a rare feeling, a feeling people usually dedicate to finding your true love – my first true love was in myself, as it should be.

Take bubble baths. Do face masks. Let social media advertise to you it’s ideal of treating yourself. But also have your pickle and coke days. Let yourself fall in love with just being sloppy, being alive, being messy. Let yourself feel – that is in fact, the whole purpose of self love. Remembering to breath, remembering to live, remembering what a blessing being alive truly is, and then allowing yourself to feel it. All of it.


Posted in Poetry, Thoughts and Opinions

Hold On

When the boy in gym shorts and basketball jersey tells you he just isn’t ready

don’t ask him why you are a test that has to be studied for.

Let him know that it’s okay not to know the answers and then walk away

because the right one won’t need to be ready.

When the boy at prom in his rented suit and tie tells you he doesn’t want a relationship

don’t tell him your body is not just another prize to be won.

Let him know that he doesn’t need to apologize but know it’s okay to move on

because the right one will want a relationship the moment he sees you

even if he has never wanted a relationship in his life.

When the man with the nice watch and tattoos looks at you like you are his world but

you are just not ready for the commitment let him go.

If he was the right one, you wouldn’t have a question in your mind and when you

look at him, you wouldn’t doubt this love for a second.

When the man in the blue jeans and white t-shirt tells you that he loves you

and every fiber of your body pulsates with that same love

don’t run away.

Know that it is okay to be scared of this and tell him you are scared

but you are ready.

The right one will not leave – not when things are hard – not when things are easy

The right one will stay

The right one will love every broken piece of you the others didn’t.

The right one will fight for you.

The right one will never make you second guess his loyalty.

Fairy tale endings and happily ever afters may not be real.

But when you find the one that makes your world make sense

hold on and tell him

you aren’t going anywhere.



Posted in Poetry

Earth Shattering

When I was a little girl my biggest dreams were of wedding dresses

and a prince on a big white horse

Like in the movies I would ride away

Perhaps into the sun or into the night

and I would live my happily ever after –

This is not to say that happily ever after does not exist –

this is to say that the fairy tales are a lie

and the little girl still somewhere inside of me

has excepted it.

She still loves sappy TV and romantic comedies

A prince coming to save her is still at the heart of her every dream

But the woman realizes that after the prince comes to save the princess

the princess realizes she doesn’t need saving.

This is not to say that she does not need a prince.

She needs her prince – with or without a crown –

to kiss her forehead

hold her hand

reassure her that everything will be

just fine.

She needs her prince to tell her that he loves her

on her darkest days

when she struggles to love herself but to also tell her to always

love herself.

The fairy tales are a lie

but the reality is beautiful

and worth waiting for.

The reality is saving yourself

and still riding away with your prince.


– Chan Eliza

Posted in Thoughts and Opinions

Wait, you met your Boyfriend when??

My boyfriend and I met in High School. Almost every time I say this, I am met with negativity and doubts. Common opinions that I have never asked for consist of “You aren’t going to last”, and “There’s no way you can know you’re in love that young”. I’m not here to fight those comments. They are opinions, and frankly, I don’t have time for them.

However, I do want to talk about my relationship. When I sat down to write today, my intention was to touch on having hard days, but instead, the only thing I could think about was how Blaine and I met. Now, I’m not sure if that’s because I’m sitting in our apartment together, surrounded by a combination of our things, or if I just miss him, having not seen him in over two weeks. But whatever the reason, I decided to take this opportunity to reflect.

Blaine and I met in a High School physics class. Being a socially awkward teen who also had a distinct dislike for most people my own age and their drama, I often chose to sit as far away from my classmates as possible. In physics, this meant the table closest to the teacher. For several classes, this worked well. I was able to do my work in peace, only having to hear the distant babbling about whatever trivial matter my classmates were angry about that day.

That was until Blaine sat down next to me. I don’t remember exactly why he moved seats. If by choice, or by partnered assignment, but whatever the reason, my initial response was annoyance. How dare this guy dare intrude on my perfect order? I come to class, I answer a few questions, avoid all contact with other teenagers, and I go home. Over the next couple of days though, my attitude quickly shifted. I began to look forward to the forty five minutes in which Blaine and I would pretend to be talking physics, instead quietly getting to know each other.

Soon, we were meeting outside of school. We would go to the movies where I would say I didn’t want any popcorn and then proceed to eat all of his. This resulted in the tradition of one large popcorn and one large drink to share. We would go for walks and just talk about everything from big world problems to trivial matters.

I could write a whole post on when I knew I loved him. I could devote pages to the tiny moments in which I am reminded of the many reasons he is my one and only. However, those are stories for another day.

To this day, we joke that we owe our whole relationship to a piece of gum. It became ritual that at the beginning of every class period, I would ask him for a piece of gum. He always seemed to have a pack patiently waiting in his bag, an endless supply. Whether I have gum or the universe to thank for putting us together, I thank both.

However many years ago, as a teenager struggling to figure out who I was as a person, I never would have imagined that as a 21 year old, I would be living four hours from home with the love of my life. I never would have thought that I would meet that man at my least favorite place – school. I never would have thought that we would be celebrating three years together, and looking at many more amazing years and memories to come.

Blaine and I in ways are polar opposites. He loves playing video games and building model tanks, while I love reading and writing. He is obsessed with history, while English is more my forte. He’s slightly more outgoing than I am, but we both love sitting at home watching a movie and eating pizza. Whatever it is that makes two people compatible, we have it, even if on the outside, we don’t appear to be a perfect fit.

I’m not sure exactly what the object of this post is, other than just to say that true love doesn’t know age. Love doesn’t know society’s rules of what is right and wrong. Love doesn’t know gender, race, or backgrounds. It doesn’t matter if you meet them in High School, or when you’re forty five, when you meet “the one”, you’ll know.

I don’t know how to end this ramble of a post, so I’ll just end it by saying this. Love who you love. Don’t let other people dictate if that is right or wrong – your heart knows.

And maybe take a minute to reflect on your love story. I would love to hear all about it in the comments! This world could always use a bit more love.