heartbreak – A Kinda Pretty Mess

My mind has a way of convincing me that my thoughts are misguided.

I sit in silence with a voice that is only my own rattling around in my head

but I can’t even trust what she tells me.

A year ago I would have believed her when she told me I was crazy.

A year ago I would have taken her word for it when she mumbled

‘you are not enough’ and in the next sentence ‘you can trust him –

you have nothing to worry about -‘

Today I do not take her words on first listen

Instead I turn them over in my ears before

letting them roll into my brain and only then

do I decide which pile they get sorted into –

True or untrue.

True: I am enough.

Untrue: You can trust him.

True: You have nothing to worry about. You are still enough. Even if you’re not enough for him.

-CM

My body is a museum for your eyes to explore

and there was a time I thought you might open the doors

and walk down the hallway.

Turn on the lights and dust off the shelves

I thought you might stick around to see

the show

when strangers dress up and use my limbs

to dance around in bright colored dresses

each move a part of me I had concealed

from prying eyes that only wanted the free show

only wanted to see the way my body twists

hear the screams my throat can create

I thought you were different.

There is a shame in the way I opened myself

to you and only you

A shame in the way I trusted your words

trusted you when you told me you would not break the artifacts displayed here

Now I must board up my windows

close and lock the doors

throwing away the key

so that no man may tread through these pathways again

so that no man may dare try and break these precious things I guard

again.

You thought you had ruined me for good

but what you don’t know is

you never had that power.

-CM

Tag: heartbreak