Posted in Poetry

Too Loud

One night I realized I had been ignoring the loudest answers the universe

had been trying to give me –

each time I screamed into the void and heard nothing in reply I

sank to the ground in defeat convincing myself

there were no answers

convincing my wounded heart that I had sunk the lowest

I possibly could and this was the end –

the silence echoed in sorrow each time I turned away defeated

trying to signal me with ringing cries as each time

I sunk to the ground

Except tonight –

Tonight I listened and finally came to see

silence is the loudest answer of them all.

 

-CM

Posted in Poetry, Thoughts and Opinions

Women

I’m at a shopping mall browsing through clothing racks

to maybe fill some of this emotional void with material items when

I hear them fighting two rows down

his voice is louder but she is clearly winning

cutting edge tongue to throat rips

he storms off and outside lights a cigarette

she continues to shop now with a stern look on her face

daring the fabric between her fingers to tell her she is wrong.

My mama used to tell me I would start fights just to win them

I worked with a man who never missed a chance to remind me my attitude was

intimidating –

what he meant to say was –

your attitude is intimidating when worn by a woman.

 

– CM

Posted in Poetry, Thoughts and Opinions

Men Have It Easier

He seems like a nice guy

leaning against the outside wall of the apartment complex in a plaid top

and ripped jeans, there is nothing menacing about him

but still my body tingles and I turn right instead of left

taking the long way home to avoid passing by him alone.

Last night it happened again

the only fault this man had was being built a little too muscular

and standing in the dark when I only have my phone to protect me –

he even opened the door for me with a smile and still

my skin crawled and every alarm in my brain was ready to sound off.

“Men can’t do anything right”

“Men have it so hard”

“You always think the worst of us”

And sometimes I do feel guilty-

when I avoid a walk way specifically because a man is standing there and there are no lights to convince me he isn’t a threat –

but then I remember every time a seemingly innocent looking man

really was a threat

every time my friend tells me she was too scared to leave her apartment

or every news article about another sister being attacked in the safety of her own home

and my guilt washes away because

we live in a world where you can never be too safe

and if that man with the smile and the plaid shirt means me no harm

I will add him to my list of alliances but

this list is so much shorter than my list of enemies.

 

-CM

Posted in Letters to..., Poetry, Thoughts and Opinions

Stop Worrying

Image may contain: Chantelle Mathewson, eyeglasses, selfie and closeup

Dear me (whenever you may find this),

You are going to want to give up. If there is one thing I know for certain right now, as I sit here in my chicken pj’s in a tiny one bedroom apartment, waiting for our boyfriend to come home with some Halloween candy is this – you are going to feel like running. Not from anything, not to anything, just leaving – because that’s easier than staying and fighting. Because running is the easiest thing in the world to do. Giving up takes no effort, you don’t have to face anything – giving up is the quitters way out, and there are going to be so many times that you desperately want to take this route.

Don’t.

You are going to want a do over. There are going to be times when you’re sitting on your bathroom floor, a towel draped over your body, your hair drenched and soaking your skin, and you are going to want a way to travel back in time. You will be sobbing, slamming your fists into the tub until your knuckles bleed, begging whatever higher power there might be to just rip you away from here, because this pain hurts too much.

They won’t.

You are going to make it. There are going to be moments, after the crying, after the spacing in front of a computer screen, after the missing and the waiting, after the pain – moments that will make every wrong turn, every seemingly horrible mistake – so incredibly worth it. Moments, when even the things you thought you regretted the most, you would do all over again if it meant you got this moment – this moment right here – to do over again.

Cherish this.

Cherish this life. It doesn’t matter where you are right now. It doesn’t matter what part of you is hurting. It doesn’t matter how badly you think you screwed up, how badly you want a chance to change something – cherish this life, each breath, each moment, each and every second means something.

Cherish it.

Love,

Me (twenty one years old about to eat a shit ton of candy with my boyfriend in our one bedroom apartment four hours away from home in a chicken costume – struggling – but happy)

Posted in Letters to..., Poetry

To Every Man I Have Told NO

I have lost count of the numbers of guys who’ve asked if I were single

and when I tell them of my relationship

they search for a loophole

the back alley they are sure will let them tunnel their way in –

some argument leaving me weak

drowning me in compliments they hope I have been lacking

unable to take the facts as reality

sure they can shift my relationship status with

a smile and a few comments that

turn my stomach and bring my lunch into my throat because

I am not a prize to be won after a long battle

When I say no

I mean no –

I should not have to threaten to ‘bring my boyfriend over here’ –

I have lost count of the number of times

I have felt like a piece of meat in the eyes of

every man who has tried to wiggle their way inside me

never taking no for an answer.

 

-CM

Posted in Poetry

I AM FINE

We are all guilty

of saying those two words that mean so much while being so small.

Those two words

“I’m fine”.

Behind smiles we hide and behind words we close the door to

anyone who may want to enter and reach out a hand

to anyone who might try to climb in a window

we board up every entrance with those two words –

harmless.

“I’m fine”.

So they’ll stop asking and

when they stop asking how we are,

what is wrong,

we can stop smiling so much

we can let our shoulders sag a little when we walk

we can slump down in our chairs because

“we’re fine”.

When they stop asking we can stop pretending to be

so happy all of the damn time because if they ask again

we’ll just say

“I’m tired”

“I had a long day at work”

“I’m just stressed”

“I’m fine”

When we are the farthest from fine but we think

who wants to hear about my problems.

Who wants to sit here and watch me cry over things

I can’t even change.

So we ignore those hands scratching at our walls

We ignore those voices trying to reach our ears

We ignore the ladders placed at our gates

and we repeat

“I’m fine”

 

-CM

Posted in Poetry

Brave

You wake up to the sun high in the sky and you only wish to crawl back under the blankets because at least there it is dark

When you finally drag yourself out of bed and close the blinds to shut out the light you sit in the black morning and hang your head

Your mind has been screaming at you for months and you have finally given in to the echo telling you

that you are worthless, that this body is not enough for such a beautiful world, that everything you give will always be too little

but I think you are brave for waking up.

I think you are brave for closing the blinds. For huddling in the corner.

I think you are brave for living this day even when you don’t remember how.

I think you are brave because you could easily give up – but you haven’t – there is a strength in that.

I think you are brave for letting the voice in. You haven’t let it over power you as it so easily could.

I think you are brave for breathing. I think you are brave for choosing to wake up each day even if you never leave the house.

I think you are brave for trying – and that has to be enough.

 

-CM

Posted in Letters to..., Poetry, Thoughts and Opinions

Conversations with Me

‘Sometimes he just gets on my nerves’ she said through quiet sobs

‘sometimes he does something so tiny but it makes me question everything –

you know?’

And in that moment I did know and I wanted to hold her because I knew

exactly what it was like to love somebody with your whole being but still

question if you are doing the right thing so instead I sat back and asked her the only

question I knew how to ask –

‘do you love him?’

with a shudder and a gasp in between her sobs she nodded her head and her voice

rose like a light from the darkness

‘with everything that I have’.

‘so you fight for him’ I told her and if everything else was a lie in this thing called life

I knew that to be a fact.

‘If you truly love something you are going to question it’, I further reasoned

‘our minds have a way of convincing us that we don’t deserve what we have

so we try to find a way to believe that it isn’t meant to be.

But you love him, so you fight for him.’

She didn’t seem convinced but her voice was a bit more steady when she spoke next.

‘I can’t lose him.’

‘Then you won’t,’ I answered her

and now I knew three things to be certain.

If you love someone you fight for them until you’ve given it all you can

and then you let go and if you let go and they stay

you have found someone worth fighting for

and I have found someone worth fighting for.

I turned from the mirror and my sobbing figure straightened.

‘Are we going to be okay?’ she asked

‘We will be.’

 

-CM

Posted in Poetry, Thoughts and Opinions

Introducing Me

Me

Truth be told, I haven’t felt the confidence to take a selfie that I actually wanted to post to any form of social media in a couple of months. Anyone that knows me, knows that’s strange. But they’ll also know that Autumn is when I seem to wake up every year, so it’s no coincidence that as the weather starts to get cooler and the leaves begin to fall, I begin to get my swag back. The meaning of this post however is not to ramble on about selfies, but to introduce myself a little more to our tiny growing community.

I am a young woman in my mid-twenties, somehow stumbling through life. I was born and raised in the Northeast Kingdom, United States. I have two sisters and the most amazing of parents, as well as the best friend a girl could ask for. I am in love with my boyfriend of three years, who somehow is just as goofy and crazy as I am. I love food, working out (when I make it to the gym), I work a lot, and I have an obsession with books and writing. I also love decorating and a majority of the time I can be found binge watching my favorite TV shows on repeat.

My number one passion in life is poetry. What I will post mainly to this blog is poetry, and I hope you all can find the same refuge in it that I do, if only for a couple of moments at a time. While I could post this to an about page, just like seasons and humans alike, this blog will be ever shifting. While poetry will remain my focus, I can’t promise that a post like today’s or maybe a review of my favorite active wear or even a display of my fall decor might not pop up in the future. This blog is for now my outlet, and I hope also that anyone who has stumbled here today can find the peace and escape they may be looking for.

I have struggled with depression and anxiety most of my life. A majority of my poetry will be based in these struggles and also in my moments of recovery. My main focus will be to help anyone else that may be struggling, because I know this life can be hard, and it’s okay to need help. Poetry has lifted me from some of my darkest times, and if even one of my poems can do that for someone else, I have succeeded here.

If you so happen to enjoy what you read here, please take a moment to look around my blog and read some of what I have to offer. If you feel so inclined, give A Kinda Pretty Mess a follow and become a part of my little family. I usually post once or twice a day, sometimes missing a day or two when life gets busy.

I would love to get to know you, so please stick around and introduce yourself.

I will leave you with today’s thought of the day: you are only as weak as you think you are. You are only as strong as you think you are. Your mind is a powerful tool. Do with it what you will.

-CM

Posted in Poetry, Thoughts and Opinions

Hold On

When the boy in gym shorts and basketball jersey tells you he just isn’t ready

don’t ask him why you are a test that has to be studied for.

Let him know that it’s okay not to know the answers and then walk away

because the right one won’t need to be ready.

When the boy at prom in his rented suit and tie tells you he doesn’t want a relationship

don’t tell him your body is not just another prize to be won.

Let him know that he doesn’t need to apologize but know it’s okay to move on

because the right one will want a relationship the moment he sees you

even if he has never wanted a relationship in his life.

When the man with the nice watch and tattoos looks at you like you are his world but

you are just not ready for the commitment let him go.

If he was the right one, you wouldn’t have a question in your mind and when you

look at him, you wouldn’t doubt this love for a second.

When the man in the blue jeans and white t-shirt tells you that he loves you

and every fiber of your body pulsates with that same love

don’t run away.

Know that it is okay to be scared of this and tell him you are scared

but you are ready.

The right one will not leave – not when things are hard – not when things are easy

The right one will stay

The right one will love every broken piece of you the others didn’t.

The right one will fight for you.

The right one will never make you second guess his loyalty.

Fairy tale endings and happily ever afters may not be real.

But when you find the one that makes your world make sense

hold on and tell him

you aren’t going anywhere.

 

-CM