Conversations with Me

‘Sometimes he just gets on my nerves’ she said through quiet sobs

‘sometimes he does something so tiny but it makes me question everything –

you know?’

And in that moment I did know and I wanted to hold her because I knew

exactly what it was like to love somebody with your whole being but still

question if you are doing the right thing so instead I sat back and asked her the only

question I knew how to ask –

‘do you love him?’

with a shudder and a gasp in between her sobs she nodded her head and her voice

rose like a light from the darkness

‘with everything that I have’.

‘so you fight for him’ I told her and if everything else was a lie in this thing called life

I knew that to be a fact.

‘If you truly love something you are going to question it’, I further reasoned

‘our minds have a way of convincing us that we don’t deserve what we have

so we try to find a way to believe that it isn’t meant to be.

But you love him, so you fight for him.’

She didn’t seem convinced but her voice was a bit more steady when she spoke next.

‘I can’t lose him.’

‘Then you won’t,’ I answered her

and now I knew three things to be certain.

If you love someone you fight for them until you’ve given it all you can

and then you let go and if you let go and they stay

you have found someone worth fighting for

and I have found someone worth fighting for.

I turned from the mirror and my sobbing figure straightened.

‘Are we going to be okay?’ she asked

‘We will be.’

 

-CM

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Ramblings to Myself

What? Did you think it was going to be easy? Did you think you’d just wave your hand and get everything that you ever wanted? I’m sorry that this isn’t some fairy tale in which everyone gets their happy ending. But that doesn’t mean you don’t get a happy ending. It just means that you might have to fight for it. Here, happy endings aren’t just handed out to the first willing recipient. So if you’ve come to me looking for someone to tell you it’s going to be okay, I’m not your girl. If you’re looking for someone to say it’s not your fault, that you did all that you could, that’s not me either. I only have one thing to tell you, and that is that I still believe in you. I still believe in you, but that doesn’t matter if you don’t believe in yourself. You can still do it. You can still get everything you ever wanted, you can still have your happy ending, but you have to let go of something first. You have to let go of the past, of this fear that you aren’t enough. You are enough. You can do this. You can have it all. But only if you let go.

-CM

A Letter to my Super Hero

Superheroes fight battle after battle alone, backs against the wall, with no one to help, just as you have. You have fought for so long, your strength is undeniable, you can win this fight alone, but you don’t have to. Magical powers or extreme strength may win you a battle, but they won’t win the war. Marvel movies are a prime example of this theory in action; iron man has his suit, Thor has his hammer, Black Widow has Hawkeye…every superhero needs their secret weapon. At the peak of the war, when it seems all has been lost, every soldier is lying bleeding on the field, little hope is left trickling within your veins, the hulk smashes through the trees. Captain America’s shield flies through the sky, and suddenly, you’re calm. All has been saved. Your backup plan, your second line of defense when what you have to give just isn’t enough. Your last resounding yell as you charge one last time into battle.  You are never alone. Yes, there may be moments when you feel utterly and completely alone. The whole world may feel against you but when shit really hits the fan, you feel an arm wrap around your shoulder. It’s in this moment that you remember, you were never truly in this by yourself. So when your battle comes, when you are fighting whatever war you have been dealt, I want you to look around. I want you to give it all that you have, and when you’ve done that, when you can’t give anymore, I want you to let go. Let go and trust that my arm is going to be there. I would never let you fall. You might get beat up and bruised, I can’t stop every knife slash from bringing a little blood, but the scars are what make you stronger. Even if I could keep you safe from all harm, I wouldn’t, but I would never let you lose the fight. With my last breath, I would save yours. When my whole world is on fire, I would use the last bucket of water I have to extinguish the flames that keep you captive. That is what your sidekick is for. You are the super hero of this story, and I am merely here to keep you alive to win the war.

Dear …

When I was in High School, I remember this one assignment from my English teacher in which we were asked to write a letter to someone we loved and also to someone we were mad at. We were to write it with no intent of this person ever reading the letter – and while originally the assignment seemed ridiculous – it was actually extremely therapeutic. I encourage you to assign yourself this task. Take a minute to think of that one person who made you really angry or hurt you really badly, and write them a letter they will never see. Or think of the one person you love more than anyone else in this world, and write them a letter describing every little thing that draws you to them – they don’t ever have to read it.

For today’s post, my letter is to my middle school self.

Dear 13 year old me,

There is no denying that you are different from your classmates. Don’t even try to fit in, because I’m sorry, but you weren’t born to. You are never going to fit the mold and you are going to learn eventually that for you, that’s a very good thing.

Ignore the bullies. I know how hard this is when they won’t leave you alone and seem to come from every side, but just ignore them. What your parents keep telling you is true; they are just jealous of something you have. Either that, or something is wrong for them at home and for some reason, they have picked you as their target to release the anger that causes. None of this makes it right, but it’s not personal. You are better than them anyway, and one day soon you are going to see this for yourself.

Use the medicine the doctors prescribed to you for your acne. Just use it. It takes two minutes and you’ll thank me later. Just do it.

Stop worrying about the friend’s that back stab you or treat you like a second choice; don’t give them a second thought. Focus on the one girl who has never faltered and who has always been there. You know who I’m talking about. Trust me, in just a few short years it’s going to be very clear who your true friends are and all of this time spent trying to get old friends back is going to seem like a waste of time. You will go to many lengths to keep friends, and that’s what makes you so good, but not everyone will do the same for you. You don’t need those people.

Stop arguing with your sisters so much over the tiniest of problems. Yes, I know, it’s easy to argue, but they are your sisters and you’ll always have them around. When it seems like you have no one else, these girls are always going to have your back. Don’t take them for granted.

Stop. Yelling. At. Your. Parents. Trust me. When you’re out living on your own, it’s your mom and dad that are going to be answering the phone at nine o’clock at night to hear you ramble and answer your ridiculous questions, no matter how stupid. So just stop. They are doing their best, and they don’t deserve it. You are very lucky to have such amazing parents.

Stop focusing on the family that doesn’t spend time with you, and focus on the ones that do. You have amazing people in your life. The people that don’t want to be their don’t matter.

Don’t beat yourself up about math class. You’re not going to get any better throughout High School, and that’s okay. You excel in other classes, focus your energy there. You will pass math class, it will be okay. Don’t stress about it so much.

Have fun. Don’t worry about looking silly. These years are going to fly by so fast and you’re going to wish you had taken another minute to swing on the playground and play tag with your friends. Savor these moments before they are gone.

Love,

Me