Social Interactions Reincarnated

Making friends is hard for people like us with brains in our stomachs

and mouths on our hands so let’s make it easy.

I don’t want to know how your day was –

it was good, mine was good, end of conversation –

start over.

I don’t want to talk about the weather –

it’s sunny, it’s supposed to rain tomorrow, it’s getting chilly, end of conversation –

start over.

I want to talk about what gives you that feeling,

you know the one –

that feeling as if you have the whole world in your palm and

you could do anything or be anyone –

I want to know what gives you that feeling so maybe

one day I can give it to you.

I want to know at what point you were your saddest –

I want to know so maybe the next time I see the signs

I will already have the warm blanket and hot chocolate waiting.

Let’s talk about love, loss, fear, anger –

let’s talk about life.

Making friends is hard so let’s make it easy.

Nice to meet you, I’m damaged goods, I wear my heart on my sleeve,

I don’t talk when I should and talk too much when I shouldn’t,

I have a lot of opinions, I don’t know exactly what I want or how to get it

but I know one day I will get it

I would do anything for my friends and do very little for myself –

Nice to meet you.

I think we’ll get along just fine.

 

-CM

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For My Niece

Never have I wanted to be a better person more than when I look into your eyes –

This isn’t to say I am a bad person, but when you look up at me

I want to be a saint.

When your tiny fingers close around mine I know I can’t give you the world

but I would give you mine in a heartbeat.

Holding you even for just a moment glues my wounds shut and

for those few seconds I feel like a little kid again –

whole.

When your blue eyes seek mine for answers I know I can’t protect you

from every evil in this world – you have a Daddy and Papa

with big hands and even bigger hearts for that –

But know my arms will always be a place for you to rest and know

my ear will always be here to listen and know

no matter how far away I am

I will always drop whatever task is at hand

if you ask me to and I will drive or I will fly or I will crawl but I will

be there.

I did not give you life baby girl – you have the worlds best Mama given to you by the worlds best Nana –

but know Auntie would give her last breath if it meant you could have just

one more.

 

-CM

Where I’ve Been

(A poem explaining my absence lately)

 

I owe no apology for taking a break mentally or emotionally

to anybody who picks and prods into my whereabouts

I owe no apology for living this life the way I choose however

I owe an explanation for the way my body has changed

I owe an explanation for the way my mind has grown because maybe

someone could learn from me when I walk into a room and

I no longer think I am the ugliest or the dumbest

I owe an explanation for this growth that sprouted from

planting myself in the dark, in the silence, alone

Light coming in from slats, reaching me in the deepest corners so that

when I stepped out

my wings unfolded.

I owe no apology for taking a break but I do want to let you know

you can take one too.

 

-CM

Anxiety (Part II)

Before my feet even cross over the invisible line between real world and hospital

I have already convinced myself I am dying of ten different incurable diseases.

I have started my list of “things to do before I die”

starting with

  1. Stop stressing so damn much before there is even stress to stress about

I walk out of the doctors office with a prescription for an anxiety drug that will

“help me not worry so much” and the memory of a very tired doctor repeating that

I was not going to die any time soon.

But what if that truck swerves into my lane and hits me?

What if my car bursts into flames as soon as I shut the door?

What if today is my last day? –

I am not afraid of death or dying

specifically

I am afraid of everything.

-CM

The End

When the ground began to shake, forming human size gaps in it’s core,

we knew this was the end.

When the trees began to fall and the sky began to rumble deep in it’s belly

we heard the cries.

Mothers reached for their children,

Fathers didn’t have arms big enough to hold everyone they wanted,

Doctors rushed to save any life they could,

Fire fighters tried in vain to stop the burning,

Police officers fought to regain control –

I held onto myself, watching as the world I complained about so often

fell in shambles around me and all I could think was

if only we could go back a few days

Maybe I could stop the burning before it began.

 

-CM

Body Parts

I left my tongue under your pillow last night

after the kissing and the touching and the lack of talking I tried

to tell you how I felt but my tongue slipped from my mouth and

now it’s stuck there under your white pillow case

wiggling, desperate to be heard so if you see it

please give it back.

I left my hands in your bathroom after I was done cleaning up

after the caressing and the lack of snuggling

I tried to reach out to you

to get you back but my hands disconnected and now

they are somewhere in your bathroom searching for something

they will never find so if you hear them

please keep them safe for me.

I tried to leave my heart with you

the only piece of my body I was willing to give but

you wouldn’t take it –

maybe this is why my body began to fall apart

leaving parts of itself where only you will find it

maybe my heart wasn’t good enough but maybe my

tongue or my hands

will be.

-CM

Two Halves of Two Broken Hearts

Your body is in perfect working order in regards to your physical health still

your heart feels as if it may shatter into a million unrecognizable pieces without warning

so I have bought you some duct tape. I have called out of work and canceled my meetings. I have brought with me some wine and my collection of mixed CD’s that were collecting dust and I have brought with me my heart.

My heart isn’t working right either. With each breath I can feel the pain slowly inching closer to my chest, working it’s way into my emotions but I am still breathing.

You are still breathing. We are both broken. Maybe alone, broken beyond repair.

You get a little tipsy and start whispering to me about suicide. It’s not a mistake. The words that roll off your lips are intentional, your eyes well up with tears.

Your heart is splitting and it can’t take much more.

So I am going to reach into my chest and break my heart in half and gently, I am going to do the same to yours, and we can trade because maybe having a friend with you with every breath you take is really the only thing we need

and if I can save you maybe I can also save myself

if there is hope for you maybe there is also hope for me

so take this – the only thing I have to offer and

do with it the best you can

the best anyone can with two halves of two broken hearts.

-A Kinda Pretty Mess

Chantelle

Too Loud

One night I realized I had been ignoring the loudest answers the universe

had been trying to give me –

each time I screamed into the void and heard nothing in reply I

sank to the ground in defeat convincing myself

there were no answers

convincing my wounded heart that I had sunk the lowest

I possibly could and this was the end –

the silence echoed in sorrow each time I turned away defeated

trying to signal me with ringing cries as each time

I sunk to the ground

Except tonight –

Tonight I listened and finally came to see

silence is the loudest answer of them all.

 

-CM

Women

I’m at a shopping mall browsing through clothing racks

to maybe fill some of this emotional void with material items when

I hear them fighting two rows down

his voice is louder but she is clearly winning

cutting edge tongue to throat rips

he storms off and outside lights a cigarette

she continues to shop now with a stern look on her face

daring the fabric between her fingers to tell her she is wrong.

My mama used to tell me I would start fights just to win them

I worked with a man who never missed a chance to remind me my attitude was

intimidating –

what he meant to say was –

your attitude is intimidating when worn by a woman.

 

– CM

Men Have It Easier

He seems like a nice guy

leaning against the outside wall of the apartment complex in a plaid top

and ripped jeans, there is nothing menacing about him

but still my body tingles and I turn right instead of left

taking the long way home to avoid passing by him alone.

Last night it happened again

the only fault this man had was being built a little too muscular

and standing in the dark when I only have my phone to protect me –

he even opened the door for me with a smile and still

my skin crawled and every alarm in my brain was ready to sound off.

“Men can’t do anything right”

“Men have it so hard”

“You always think the worst of us”

And sometimes I do feel guilty-

when I avoid a walk way specifically because a man is standing there and there are no lights to convince me he isn’t a threat –

but then I remember every time a seemingly innocent looking man

really was a threat

every time my friend tells me she was too scared to leave her apartment

or every news article about another sister being attacked in the safety of her own home

and my guilt washes away because

we live in a world where you can never be too safe

and if that man with the smile and the plaid shirt means me no harm

I will add him to my list of alliances but

this list is so much shorter than my list of enemies.

 

-CM